march 21st, 2018
Someone i know sent out an email blast about how he'd achieved all his goals last year and was on track for achieving more goals this year. i found the email very personally irritating even though this blog is obviously of course a Goal Scorecard and Success Archive.
Vlad and i call the voice of depression the Depression Man. The Depression Man tells you to eat food that will make you feel crappy later. The Depression Man tells you that you suck for being depressed. The Depression Man says why bother exercising, it won't help. The Depression Man tells you to read disturbing articles on the internet instead of going to bed.
The Depression Man fights for his survival and thus sabotages the very things that would help pull you out of depression.
Sometimes i think the best way to heal my underlying anxieties would be to totally decouple my self worth from goals and achievements. But i also get enormous soothing pleasure from looking over my lists and tables, the means by which i set and track my goals and achievements. Ooooh yeah i LOVE fussing with my tables! i have a table for tracking exercise. For tracking my menstrual cycle. For tracking my daily writing. For tracking personal spending. Business spending. Our mortgage. Books i've read this year. The Skewer's audience, merch income, and SoundCloud podcast plays. Sicknesses. Like colds and coughs and such. i track my sicknesses.
i still keep the diary that i started after the news broke about James Comey's diary. i was like, “oooooh James has a diary?? i will not be outdone!” Most days i'll also add a cartoon next to the written entry, usually of a funny thing that Vlad said.
Vlad is on the couch snoring softly in real time as i type this. He's possibly getting sick. i don't track Vlad's sicknesses in a table. But that could start as soon as now.
The diary is different from the tables. The tables are a way to show i'm worthy of being alive, because look see how much i've done. The diary is a defense against death. Look ye upon my record, eternal.
Additionally there are also the folders of articles and screenshots. Am i still doing that, ho yah, i'm still doing that. Every day. Why? i'm not sure. i often don't read the articles. i have a set of CSS rules that i keep saved to my desktop to apply to certain news websites so that the articles render more nicely as a PDF. i have a method for creating clean PDFs of tweet threads. All of this, why am i doing this?
Ok over the course of writing this blog post i've remembered how i memorized the entirety of the Numa Numa song in Romanian seven months before i met Vlad or personally knew any Romanians. So now i'm doing a full 180 on my detached self‑deprecating stance, i now think my tables are good, i think my post‑election archives are very good, this isn't the Depression Man talking, this is my Higher Self.
Yess the undeniable fact of the Numa Numa story cuts through all of my blues! i trust that my efforts have worth and purpose yea tho it be mysterious! For how could my tables be less valuable than learning a shallow Romanian pop dance jam? Such dance jam that heralded the love of my life, he who sleeps on yon couch!