On Self-Denial.

february 11th, 2014.

Colleen Marcel left behind a bowl of MnMs on the dining room table. Obviously I shoved a couple three handfuls of MnMs into my mouth this morning. You're welcome, body!

Yesterday morning I was feeling in a mildly self-destructive mood. I don't drink or do drugs, so those were out, altho at the time I was already high on coffee. Considered getting SUPER high on coffee (wouldn't be the first time).

Remembered: compulsive spending. Ah yes! That'll do the trick. Decided to buy Every Item on my Amazon Wishlist. Tallied up all items. Came to $103. $44 of that was fancy markers.

I've been curating this Amazon list for more than a year! Putting off purchase until some unknown “right time” when I “had the money.” Not saying a hundred dollars is pocket change, but it's a low-low price to fulfill all one's wishes.

Noticed how much I like these wishes unfulfilled. Channeled that into a metaphysical scratch of the itch. Closed the browser window. Continued about my day (and thus to long for markers on that and future days).

Awareness of the cycle isn't what breaks the cycle. Maybe even at all, ever. Maybe knowing isn't half the battle. Maybe knowing is what starts the battle.