Ancient Television.

june 3rd, 2018

Yesterday Vlad and i took turns napping until around 4pm. Then we walked to our neighborhood coffeeshop and had a snack and did a cryptic crossword puzzle together and goofed around. On the way home Vlad picked up as many large sticks as he could find. When he didn't have enough hands to hold the sticks, he enlisted me to carry some sticks too.

We saw a middle aged couple sniff some flowers, then make out with each other.

“Gross!” i said. “It us!”

At home we added the new sticks to our existing collection of sticks and Vlad set to burning them in our new fire pit. i bought the fire pit at Home Depot on Memorial Day. Several people were alarmed that i was clearly setting out to bungee cord a large heavy box to the back of my bicycle. First, a lady asked me loudly, “are you planning to put that on your bike?” When i didn't respond, she came close to me and repeated, “but are you planning to put that on your bike?”

i didn't want the hassle of explaining my strange choices about the heavy things i choose to carry or inappropriately strap to my bicycle. So i said in a low voice, “i'm sorry; i don't want to talk to you.” WOW were those the magic words! She backed off right away!

A dude came by and offered to give me a ride in his truck. i said no thank you, i'm alright. i got the fire pit strapped on, but halfway out of the Home Depot parking lot when i tried to re-balance the box while still in motion i overcompensated and everything tumbled down.

A caucasian dadly type came over and insisted on helping me re-strap the box. Once it was up, he said, “where are you going?” i said, “no,” because i didn't want to tell a stranger where i live and i was about at the limit of tolerating his unwanted help.

“I asked: where are you going?” and this time i said, “i'm sorry; i don't want to talk to you anymore.” Once again, these were the magic words, even with an aggressive dad!

The box fell off the bike twice more on the walk home. A lady in an SUV slowed and asked if i'd like a ride, i said no thanks. This time when i re-strapped the box i tightened the cords much more than previously and walked the remaining half mile without further incident.

On the show Veep the character Jonah once said, genuninely baffled, “why are women always checking in on one another when I am talking to them?”

That was me: “why are strangers always checking in on me when i'm struggling to carry something awkward and heavy through the neighborhood?”

Anyway that's the harrowing story of bringing the fire pit home. Vlad built a glorious fire and experimented with cooking chestnuts by throwing them directly into the coals. Then we wrapped some corn in tin foil and had delicious corn. We stayed out until the coals had burned down. It was a beautiful true love night.

Today i went to Home Depot again to get sand so that next time we can use sand to put the fire out. i locked my bike to a stop sign out front and an older guy came over to say, “you know, there's a bike rack over there, behind the plants.”

i smiled at him and said, “savvy! Thank you!”

Inside i thought, “you're Real Lucky you're catching me in a good mood today, Santa! You don't know Just how Glad i can be to alienate strangers offering unsolicited help at Home Depot!!”