march 11th, 2014

VICTOR, middle-aged real estate agent, speaks both English and Spanish with the same delivery as Tony Clifton. He also looks like Tony Clifton.

Camera MATCH CUTS interior and exterior shots of him showing ERICA studio apartments in the neighborhood.


I got rear-ended the same week my house burned down and my father died. This was in Denver. And they gave me the ticket! They just put it on the out of state guy!


Sounds like you were Illinoyed.


And listen to this, then the cop's like, I wanna tell you something about driving safely. I said, are we done here? He said, I just want to talk to you. I said, stop invading my fourth fucking amendment rights. We're done, I'm gone. Guy was a fucking asshole.

CARLOS, the building maintenance man, unlocks the lobby door for them.

VICTOR (cont'd)

Gracias, senor. I speak three languages. German, Spanish, and, uh, English.

My mother is Spanish. She grew up in Guadalajara. We're not Mexican. Mexicans are Spaniards who mixed with the Indians. We didn't mix. We're Spanish.

In this one part of Mexico, my last name is like Smith. I can tell, when someone says my last name, what state in Mexico they're from.

Let me tell you, that apartment you called about? You don't want that apartment. It's small. That's the reason it hasn't rented. Every woman who sees it is like, ai. No closets. You don't want to see it. That's why I'm showing you these ones first. So you can get some bang for your buck.

A block away from your boyfriend? You don't want to be that close. Trust me, I've been married fifteen years. A block away would be too close. Sometimes.

I'm almost 50. You know how I maintain my youthful appearance? No kids. I used to, that used to be my test. Tell a girl, I want five or six kids. If she said, oh yeah, me too, I'd say, ope! Get outta here, crazy!

Sometimes my wife wishes we'd had. But then I name three or four things and she's like, ope! Nuh-oh. I told her, she's got enough trouble with just the dogs. I always told her, if you get pregnant, that's fine, and if you don't, even better.


VICTOR (cont'd)

You know, I'm just gonna

He makes an illegal u-turn on Broadway.