Because Seven Eight Star Wars.

december 20th, 2017

Sweet Vlad and i went to see the new Star Wars movie. Here are all the spoiler‑laden tweets i restrained myself from tweeting:

i am in the theater in costume and no one here knows what a porg is and i made Vlad come early with me so that the fans i presumed were here could get photo ops but the children are frightened of me i have miscalculated 7:23 PM - Dec 19 2017

tentative isolated "whoos" for the big opening text crawl, confirmation, i have indeed miscalculated the fandom here 7:31 PM - Dec 19 2017

REBEL SPACE BATTLE Poe's strategy is "suicide mission" sure that's a tactic 7:34 PM - Dec 19 2017

the bomber concept is interesting except that the bombers are distressingly vulnerable spacecraft. like: the Rebels are trying to play their submarines like jet fighters 7:45 PM - Dec 19 2017

... what i'm saying is: i'm better at war strategy than Poe Dameron, a bad sign for the Rebellion 7:46 PM - Dec 19 2017

this movie is very very silly 7:59 PM - Dec 19 2017

breast aliens on Iceland sure why not 8:02 PM - Dec 19 2017

... ok but why not have an alien covered in WANGS?
this movie doesn't have the GUTS 8:02 PM - Dec 19 2017

Rey: "train me"

Luke: "I'm a bad teacher, I came here to die"

Rey: "well, you're alive and very irritating. So you've effed that up too." 8:10 PM - Dec 19 2017

Leia Mary Poppinsing herself back to the ship, i wish that the Force were still HARD for her to use. that'd also explain why she didn't try to save anyone else 8:17 PM - Dec 19 2017

the chain of command is dead or in a coma, leaving 38th rank Head of PR and Marketing Laura Dern 8:23 PM - Dec 19 2017

Dern Holdo and Poe on the bridge: "you're impulsive, hot-headed ... you're the last thing I need right now"

CLOCK WIPE they're making out in a closet 8:24 PM - Dec 19 2017

Finn and Rose Tico sneaking off and no one notices, this Rebellion is looser with headcount than the deli where i used to work 8:29 PM - Dec 19 2017

this movie is like, there's an alert on the bridge that BEEPS when Finn and Rose's shuttle leaves the bay, Poe just COUGHS real loud on top of it, he covers the blinking light with his butt and smiles so pretty at Holdo

that's what this movie is like 8:34 PM - Dec 19 2017

Snoke's dancing red guards against a dropcloth lit with red gels, very 1990s hip hop video, i love it 8:36 PM - Dec 19 2017

"would you please put a towel on?"

this is definitely the FUNNIEST Star Wars 8:44 PM - Dec 19 2017

ok Holdo is fine as is, but i would love love love if she were Patton in lipstick and heels, a marvelous strategist, a keen military mind

all the leadership here seems to have risen to C-level management by virtue of their supervisors dying 8:45 PM - Dec 19 2017

i watched this deleted scene from A New Hope, particularly notable because there's a woman who speaks more lines than all non-Leia female characters combined for the rest of the trilogy
8:45 PM - Dec 19 2017

... anyway in that scene Luke fawns over Biggs Darklighter, Tatouine homeboy back from "the academy"

... so somewhere in canon there are Rebels with formal military strategy education 8:46 PM - Dec 19 2017

... like i kindof appreciate that this movie isn't sweating strategy or clever, isn't stressing depth. but maybe we could have just little of that you know. just a leetle 8:47 PM - Dec 19 2017

i don't understand this low-speed space chase

UNSOLICITED SCRIPT DOCTORING same scene, but inside a solar storm or particle cloud that prevents Hux from heading off the Rebels or encircling them, some kind of classically effective military tactic that he's whiffing on rn 8:59 PM - Dec 19 2017

... like it's not just the Rebels, EVERYBODY's failing their way up around this galaxy 8:59 PM - Dec 19 2017

Dern Holdo's surprise strategy is ... suicide mission, sure that's a tactic 9:10 PM - Dec 19 2017

Snoke: "Kylo is fully on the Dark Side, you'll never redeem him!"

Kylo: "The thing is, I am a very lonely boy" 9:45 PM - Dec 19 2017

Poe's surprise strategy with the salt skiffs is ... suicide mission, yes my man, why mess with what works?? 10:13 PM - Dec 19 2017

i adore Luke's Holographic Force projection, absolutely lovely, very fresh :) 10:21 PM - Dec 19 2017

well, three hours have elapsed and this movie is finally over. i had a lot of fun!

the title The Last Jedi is a lie, there are tons of Jedi around — Rey, Leia, Kylo is gonna come around, Rey and Kylo's kids soon, all the Force ghosts 10:44 PM - Dec 19 2017

it's a very SILLY movie 10:45 PM - Dec 19 2017